Wed, 12 Mar 2008
How I Came to Love Kathie Lee Gifford
No, I'm not blogging while drunk . . . let's back the story up a bit.
Ever since I was a child I've hadMy mom usually had a candy bowl periodically about the house. I say periodically because if it were left out all the time, I would've devoured the chocolate in a heartbeat. I love chocolate. So one year, most likely after college when I was living at home (before renting the kick-ass Contour house) my mom had her fill of things. You see, I would come home late sometimes- I was working in a retaurant in SA and I'd either come home after a late shift, or go out with friends and then come home. I'd *always* find the chocolate bowl, and have a piece or two or thirty.
Lord knows I love to alternate between the red Krackel and the yellow Goodbar minis (but F-you "Dark", I still hate you). And heaven help me if there were mini Snickers, Milky Way or Three Musketeers. If there were any of those, I'd eat the sides of chocolate off of them one wall at a time until I had a square nougat center.
And I'd do it in such an obscene way that if someone had seen me . . . well, they'd think they were walking in on me watching porn. Kit Kats would be devoured slowly as well, losing layer by layer of first chocolate, then cookie with skill that Hannibal Lecter would be proud of.
Now, while I was enjoying the chocolate, I would also methodically roll the wrapper up into a tight little ball like a dung beetle. Back in the day, the Hershey's minis had 2 wrappers, not just one like today. They had the outside part and the foil insert. That foil was like the mortar in my little wrapper dung-balls.
So, when it was bedtime, I'd have a handful of these wrappers. Most of the time I would throw just some of them away- because if my mom had seen a trashcan-ful of wrappers in the garbage in the morning, she wouldn't buy the candy for a while. I'm an addict, I need my fix.
What would I do with the other wrappers? I'd hide them around the house- behind pillows, seat cushions and the best one place- my parents' medicine cabinet behind various items, or in medicine bottles.
So one day, my mom had enough.
One day, while shopping at Target or Wal-Mart, my mom spots a hang tag from a line of clothing. It's Kathie Lee's face staring from the tag of the blouse. You know, from her previously maligned line of clothing? (Hey, she didn't know about the sweatshops, and stopped it after she was told) So my mom, umm, takes, some of these tags. She also bought two or three tabloids at the checkout counter.
Now, why would she do this? To plan her revenge.
She knew I wasn't fond of Kathie Lee because of a weird re-run we both saw when Siskel and Ebert were on Regis and Kathie Lee Live talking about Pulp Fiction. It was a re-run because I was living in Mexico when that movie came out. I came back to Texas on vacations so it must have been around then.
Anyway, on that episode, there was a bit of a smackdown because KLG had dismissed Pulp Fiction with some backhanded comment. So Ebert said- "wait a sec, have you even seen the movie?". She admitted that she hadn't, so Siskel laid into her with Ebert. I loved it.
Every once in a while I would bring up that episode, but to needle me, my mom would bring up a new trivial fact about KLG just to irk me. Eventually, she had built up a subliminal library of Kathie Lee facts in my head and I hated that.
Did you know she comes from Jewish family? Did you know that her kid was named after a Browns player (Cody, not Cassidy)? Yes, I had these facts implanted in my head pre-wikipedia. The army calls this *PSYOPS* and my mom is a champ at it.
So back to the story, one night, it's late and I'm tired and I went to the bathroom to wash up, and to take out my contacts and go to bed. I open the medicine cabinet as I'm taking one contact out, and when I pull out the contact solution, I see a small picture of KLG from the newspaper taped to the back of the medicine cabinet behind the spot where I keep my contact solution.
The next night- there were two pics of KLG on the shelves and a bigger pic from the tabloids taped to the back of the medicine cabinet.
The war was escalating. I needed some chocolate. I left more wrappers around, but then it got worse.
Kathie Lee articles were left around for me to read. Kathie Lee pics in the medicine cabinet AND my dresser of clothes, between my folded undies! And the worst- one night, KLG's pics taped to my pillow! And when I removed her pic from the pillowcase, I realized there was a backup picture taped to the pillow *underneath* the pillowcase!
Psyops indeed.
Now, I need to explain something about working in restaurants. I like to work what they call the "back of the house" - ie the kitchen. If you work in the kitchen, you usually have your own knives.
Sure, you can use the white handled NSF ones, but there was never a guarantee that the prep-cooks had taken them all and you wouldn't have one on the line.
And, if you start carrying knives around, you typically have a knife bag.
And, if you work in a kitchen, your coworkers frequently come from far off lands where they speak spanish.
These same coworkers have traveled far and in some cases can't go back home for vacation all that often. They miss home. They miss their friends and family. Sometimes- they carry pictures of their families. They *definitely* carry pictures of their wives and/or girlfriends.
Sometimes, they keep their pictures of their girlfriends/wives *in their knife bags* to remind themselves of their loved ones. If you're friends with them, they'll show you the pics.
So one day, I'm starting my shift and have loaded the steam tables with the requisite 9-pans. I've gotten out my towels and set up my cutting boards and started the ovens and filled the water station (for pasta/blanching veggies). I get a load of produce to start prepping my station . . . and I roll out my knife bag . . . .
Lo and behold, what's sticking out of the last pocket?
A picture.
Before I could slide that picture back into it's hiding spot, my coworker- the grill station cook (I was working the window), sees it, and asks me- "quien es ella? tu novia? deja me a ver . . . a ver" . . . and he takes the pic before I could make a move.
"No es mi novia . . es . ."
"Dude- quien es esa mujer?
(I'll switch back to English, I'm not trying to show off, but all of this was in Spanish)
"Gimme it back"
"Dude, this isn't a pic, this is like a tag from some clothes or something."
"I know, give it back"
"What the hell man, you like this woman? Isn't she a bit old for you? I think I've seen her on tv though."
"No, it's not my girlfriend, it's a long story. . . "
Too late! He had already called the prep cooks, the dishwasher and the salad/dessert guy over to show the picture.
I was done for at that point. The rest of the time I worked there, I would occasionally be told-
"Hey, I saw your wife on tv yesterday!". "Hey, I saw a girl you should go out with. She's at table 3 with her grandkids!" So that's how Kathie Lee became my wife.
Now- I was reminded of this again because when I went to cook with my friends up in Marin I wasn't sure if we would be able to use the restaurant's knives. Just to be safe, I took my own knives. Sure enough, I forgot about the pic and when I opened the bag while I was talking to Luis the dishwasher - guess who made a surprise visit. . . .
Oh Kathie, how I've missed you.
And yes, I stopped hiding *most* of the wrappers after that.
Ps- one disturbing time at dinner with my family, John F brought up KLG's name to point out the semi-erotic nature of KLG's singing and dancing in the ads for Carnival Cruise Lines. It was very disturbing. In fact, to this day when I hear someone sing that song, I have a Clockwork Orange-reaction that forces both lust and nausea at the same time.
12 Mar 11:43 | /humor | 10 comment(s)
sarah fisch wrote:
her boobs
I remember the disturbing family dinner in question, I believe it was at China Inn. As I recall, a part of the KLG conversation went as follows:
John F: Wait, Kathie Lee Gifford... is she the one on the Cruise line commercial? The woman with the big boobs?
Kenneth S: NO! She has small boobs...SMALL MEAN BOOBS!
03/12/2008 13:19:41
kenneth wrote:
actually
yeah, he was talking about her boobs
but the dinner was at our house
he said "that woman in the red bathing suit with the huge bosoms? yes, I know her commercials"
I'm scarred for life. . . in a good way
03/12/2008 13:37:10
sarah fisch wrote:
Having reviewed the video...
She is weirdly hot. Now I'm questioning EVERYTHING.
03/12/2008 14:41:24
kenneth wrote:
THE VIDEO
http://youtube.com/watch?v=BECwNurBbEQ
03/12/2008 14:45:49
angie wrote:
i am thoroughly disturbed by your love/lust of KLG. i am also, as always, in awe of how awesome mommapie is and still aspire to be just like her when i grow up.
03/12/2008 18:55:22
angie2 wrote:
I remember the pictures being hidden around the house, but I never knew about the tag in your knife bag! Holy crap - that makes the KLG Incident 10 times more awesome.
Just put the candy wrappers in your pockets like I do.
03/13/2008 22:30:53
Nita wrote:
I loved your post. And I also feel like I love your mom, she´s so smart. Thanks for the laugh ;o)
03/19/2008 12:49:21
Marc Says...... wrote:
Dood, Dood seriously! That was the best Kenny post EvAr. Nice work and thanks for making me crack up at the Special K insanity
03/20/2008 23:11:49
Beverly wrote:
Um...what can I say
Ah....but family traditions are important...I was curious what caused this "time remembered"..Did you know that there are rumors that Katie Lee may be returning to morning t.v.
03/21/2008 13:41:15
El Hombre Huasteco wrote:
Your mom remains the best.
Love, S and Y.
03/24/2008 22:29:26
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