-=kenneth's rants and other things=-

Thu, 03 Jan 2008

The Crazy Lady on the Plane

Tagged as: cavity search, mobile phones, SAT, travel, TSA

You know how sometimes people preface their stories with "well, I don't want to sound like a snob, but. . . "? Yeah, I was going to do that too, but I changed my mind.

Before I flew back from TX, a friend of my parents (my replacement) had told them a story about people traveling over the holidays holding up the various airport lines with their confusion. She refers to it as "amateur hour". I agreed with her, even though there's a bit of guilt hitting me when I talk about "the n00bs who fly". I could go on about people blocking or not using the self-check-in computer terminals at SFO, but that's another post, and you get the point.

So on the day when I was coming back to SF, there was a long line for the security checkpoint at SAT. Sure, it's an international airport (some flights to Mexico!), but I don't think it is one of the busier airports around- except on days like that day (the 31st). There was a long holiday line at the security checkpoint.

There are two or three sets of TSA people at SAT. The first guys are the ones who check your boarding pass and they scribble something on your pass and let you continue in line to the next area where you get ready to put your stuff through the Xray machine. I have a feeling these guys just scribble Sudoku codes for the TSA agents down the line, but I can't prove that yet. You can also compile a stack of their writings to use to decode secret parts of the bible, but I'll tell you about that later.

Anyway, I finally get all the way to the first two guys, and they scribble something on my pass. And they ask the woman in front of me for her boarding pass. She whips out a printout of ticket. No, not the actual ticket- or an e-ticket. But like an email of "hey mom, your flight is on Monday at 4 on American".

The TSA guys are nice to her though and they say- "no ma'am, this isn't a pass OR a ticket, go to the ticket agents, get help from them and a pass, and when that's done- come back."

One even says- "just come around this back wall and I'll let you through once you have the ticket so you don't have to wait in line again."

Wow, nice guys I thought, but I also thought - "good lord woman, what were you thinking?" That piece of paper won't get you on a plane. That's like me printing an email from Angie that says "I like movies" and taking it to the theater and saying "I got this from Fandango, let me in".

But wait-- that wasn't even the crazy lady!

So I finally get up through to wear I put my stuff in the tubs for the xray. Mind you, I've been belt-less and sock-trodden for this whole time. And I can see this is where station where the TSA people are losing patience. They must have to rotate in and out to maintain calm.

People are waiting to push their stuff through in the plastic tubs until they see the TSA person on the other side wave them through. It was holding up the lines a bit until the woman in front of me who was a business traveler, shoves her tub holding her laptop and stuff so it knocks all 400 tubs in front of us, kind of like a domino game. Clackity clackity clack!

It annoyed the crap out of the people towards the front, but it got everything rolling on the conveyor belt again. I dunno, I guess they thought they had to wait until it was their turn. I giggled a bit, I thought it was pretty funny.

She even walked around and through to the front to go through the metal detectors because there were some people at the Xray machine who still hadn't taken off their shoes and were frustrated when told to do so.

I don't know which was freaking them out more- their knotted laces or seeing their stuff go through the Xray and sitting for them at the end of the metal table. (Maybe someone could steal it!?)

I kept imagining a sushi boat restaurant with one group of people damming the little river like sushi-beavers (that's freudian) with their confusion until someone just jams a long roll through their . . . wet plates(?) opening the canal again (good lord, that sounds dirty).

But wait-- that wasn't the crazy lady either!

So I get through and as I'm putting on my belt and shoes (away from the TSA people, mind you), I kind of hear a bit of noise from people behind someone who was way back towards the tubs and Xray machine.

I ignored the noise as I don't want to risk a cavity search because I loitered too long near the TSA people's work space and went on my way because I wanted to get some coffee and say hello to my aunt who works the morning shift at the gates at SAT.

Part two tomorrow

03 Jan 21:37 | /travel | 8 comment(s)

wrote:

and you kiss your momma with that mouth! for shame! seriously, the fandango comment nearly had coffee spewed on my monitor. i relate to all of this. people are idiots. just try doing all of this at the world's busiest airport (3rd year in row!) mike and i decided to arrive really early and help the numbnuts and be nice to TSA this year. it was a very zen trip.
... we still don't hear about the crazy lady! this is worse than serial tv!
01/04/2008 10:32:16